Self-Acceptance: Is Self-Esteem Possible Without It?
The power of self-acceptance is in how it sets you free making it possible for self-esteem to bloom.
I’ve been thinking back to my middle school days and those prepubescent wonder years of a changing body that felt foreign and awkward. It felt like I just woke up one morning and suddenly everything about my body was wrong and awkward. Naturally,I felt like I was the only one in the whole world going through this and no matter how much my parents promised that they too suffered this phase, I still felt isolated. My self-acceptance was evaporating quickly and along with it my self-esteem. Which lead me to ask, can you really have self-esteem without self-acceptance?
What does self-acceptance even mean?
Self-acceptance is being at peace with yourself, and feeling comfortable and confident in your own skin. So despite being aware of flaws, shortcomings, limitations or whatever other oddities you may have you accept that in yourself –without judgment.
The reason we judge ourselves so harshly is we often have an internal narrative that our personal worth is dependent on us being “perfect”. You may not realize your seeking perfection, but you do have an expectation for how you should act, what you should have achieved, and how you should look. When you don’t meet that expectation you judge yourself and believe that we lose some of our value.
In fairness, there are plenty of influences in our society that help sell that narrative to us including mainstream media, pop culture, and societal standards. Our culture dramatically under-represents different races, ethnicities, and body types. The lack of representation implies the message: you should look like the people you see here in magazines and movies and if you don’t you are less worthy.
As a body image and confidence coach I often hear, “but how am I supposed to just suddenly like [insert perceived flaw]?”
And my answer is, “maybe you don’t.”
Self-acceptance or even body-acceptance is not about liking everything about yourself. You may never find your way to appreciating your very large, Dumbo-like ears. Or despite your mom promising, turns out you never did quite grow into your hook-shaped nose. Or like me, you might not want to be fat. Whatever it is, it’s ok because self-acceptance doesn’t require radically liking everything about yourself or your body.
The key to accepting yourself is not making yourself wrong. Maybe you do have Dumbo-like ears and that’s ok. Maybe you have a hook-shaped nose and that’s also ok. Maybe you wish you were thinner and yes, that too is ok. As long as having big ears, a unique nose, and some extra weight doesn’t mean you’re body is wrong or less worthy because of it, there's nothing inherently wrong with not loving certain aspects about yourself.
Here are some examples for you.
Belief 1: I’m so fat! It’s disgusting and I look terrible in this dress.
Belief 2: I am fat. My belly is a bit jollier than I would prefer. My belly shows in this dress.
Belief 3: I am a queen and I look phenomenal in this dress!
The first example is obviously negative but it’s also highly judgemental. You’re making your body wrong. It’s wrong to be fat, to have a bigger body, and to not look great in the dress.
For myself, I spent most of my life comparing myself to media figures and others around me that I thought were beautiful. I grew up in the 90s when women like Cameron Diaz, Calista Flockhart, and Michelle Pfieffer were iconic. While beautiful, they were also physically everything I wasn’t - tall, super-thin, jutting hip bones, narrow hips. I’m 5’4”, I have an hourglass figure, my sister-in-law calls my butt a “bubble butt”, and no matter how thin I’ve ever been, my hip bones have never jutted. No matter how hard I try, I will never look like the icons of the 90s and if I ever did, I likely would be close to death (literally). I spent most of my teens judging myself for not looking like these women. Then when I was in college and gained weight, I spent the next decade judging myself for not looking like my teenage self.
But neither Belief 2 or 3 make being bigger mean anything negative about their body. Sure, you may actually have a bigger body but that’s it. That’s where the self-talk ends.
Since my initial diagnosis I have put on close to 100lbs. It’s not my preference and it’s very easy for me to look in the mirror and judge every roll, dimple, and just the mere size of my belly. For many years, that’s exactly what I did. I would judge myself for how I looked in the mirror, how my clothes fit, for not being prettier, and the list goes on. The difference now is that while I would still like to lose weight and I would prefer to be smaller (for a number of reasons), I don’t look in the mirror and judge myself. I notice what I look like and I don’t resist it. It just is. I move on. Self-acceptance is finding neutral.
Self-Acceptance is Foundational to Self-Esteem
Self esteem is the value and worth you attribute to yourself based on capabilities, skills, relationships and appearance. A lot of times we assume that some of us are just born with more confidence than others. We assume that the girl at the pool with the killer body has nothing to worry about and therefore has a high degree of self esteem. The reality is, self-esteem is your mindset about yourself. There are plenty of super
So can you have high self esteem if you don’t accept yourself?
Based on the example above, if I believe my body is wrong because I’m fat then I will also believe that my appearance is low value. So I might have higher self-esteem in some areas, but not in relation to my appearance.
Consistent and pervasive messaging reinforces that a woman’s size and beauty is of paramount importance. Not surprisingly, women more often tend to let negative body image overshadow the other sides of themselves that they otherwise feel positively about. If you believe your value is diminished that belief may overshadow the other areas of yourself that you do feel positively about. You might be a brilliant award winning career woman but if you believe your size makes you less worthy you’re more likely to devalue those accomplishments.
The limit of your self-acceptance will become the threshold of your self esteem.
As a body image and confidence coach, my clients come to me because they want to let go of all the things that have been holding them back. They want to live their lives, find happiness, and finally be free from their inner critic.
If you want to find that kind of freedom that only those who are unapologetically themselves have, you have to make peace with your quirks and accept your body exactly as it is lumps, bumps and all.
If I could go back and speak confidence and perspective into my middle-school-self I would tell her that her worth is not conditional. I would help her see that her opinion of herself is far more valuable than what the outside world thinks and that most of us are too busy worrying about ourselves for it to matter anyways. I would make it clear to her that when you put your own opinion of yourself ahead of anyone else’s you empower yourself to step into your own. I would tell her that life starts when you choose to step out of your own way and that waiting for the perfect body is a game lost from the start. I would tell her how much better life is when you don’t make yourself wrong and you accept yourself. I would let her know that the thing the adult version of herself wants most is to be set free and the best way to avoid the self-imposed prison is to let go of self criticism and judgment.
I would tell her the power of self-acceptance is in how it sets you free.
I help women find that freedom through improving body image and confidence. If you want help creating this for yourself check out the Confidence Coaching page and book a free consult.
If you’re looking for more resources, check out these articles:
Acceptance for Self and Others: It Is What It Is
Understanding body acceptance and community influence in the body positivity movement